Fate

So I'm going to tell you a story...I'm not quite sure what it means yet but that will become obvious soon enough I'm sure.

I have been out for the last two nights, finding it really tough to go out and see a world of sex, substances and sordid behaviour that I thought I would never have to deal with again. I really felt that I as never going to be single again, but here I am...

Anyway, tonight I felt I was making progress then I got text from my ex...."I have just met Matt and apparently you said all good things about me. I miss you xx". Instantly my heart sank and the tears formed. I became a mess. Fuelled by a lot of alcohol I was heading to a dark place.

Now regular readers will be keen to know that Matt was the man I have blogged about before. The antithesis of my ex, successful and older, he was everything I described I wanted to have to get over my ex. I met him on a recent business trip to Perth. He has been on my mind a lot lately as I really think he is someone I want to be part of my life. Little did I realize why....

So it turns out that Matt had gone out and got talking to a cute young guy who was talking about his boyfriend and how things had ended. Matt had given him his opinion of the situation, saying that he thought the reasons he had given Matt for why the relationship had ended were a load of rubbish. The young man then showed Matt a photo...Matt apparently nearly fell over when my face showed up on screen!!!

So there was my ex seeking relationship advice from a guy I had met in Perth once! I don't know what will happen, but my god the world is an odd place!!! I have always said that I felt we were just meant to be together, and this just encourages it. Maybe I'm wrong but right now it feels that way!

Posted with LifeCast

Support Card

My PBF is very interested in all things spiritual, drawing much comfort from it in a time where he is clearly still coming to grips with the death of a long term relationship about a year ago.

Since my break up I have been encouraged by him to draw a card from the pack of Angel cards he has, in order to get some guidance and direction amongst a sea of confusion that is going on in my head. Four times out of six I have pulled out the card 'Support'. It encourages me to rely on friends and take in their advice and support as much as is required. It seems this card knows what I am going through. It seems it wants me to realise that friends are there in good and bad, and in the bad it should not be a time when you worry about burdening them with you problems.

Each time I pull it out I am reminded of the support I have received over the last few weeks. Not once have any of my friends or family ever even looked like they were over hearing me talk about the break up. Not once have they done anything but support me. It makes me so appreciative, so loved and most of all, it makes me realise that life does go on after all. Even readers of this blog have shown their support, for which I am eternally grateful also.

So from a very dark place I have been nursed through. I hope you all draw the support card occasionally too, because even though when in a time of despair you may not realise what has been done for you, it soon becomes clear that your friends are never far away.

Al

Posted with LifeCast

Sleepness Nights And Many Tears

It's three weeks tomorrow since life as I knew it came crashing down. And while the roller coaster has been rough, nothing has played more on my mind than the fact that 'he' seems to feel the need to make himself feel better by contacting me.

Why do people feel the need to contact you after a break up? Initially I had hoped it was a signal fire...a testing of the water to see if I would respond well to a potential reconciliation. It quickly became apparent that it was far more self indulgent than this. Reconciliation was not the name of the game he was playing.

Instead it appears that it was nothing more than the ramblings of a mixed up young man, exposing heavily the lack of maturity he had thus far hidden so well. Any attempts conveyed by me to convince him to stop contacting me have so far been ignored after a few days of silence. And so I wonder, how do I get on with falling out of love with this man if he keeps re-entering my life?

More pertinently, how do I ignore the voice in my head that, filled with misguided optimism, says 'just maybe, this will be the email telling me he made a big mistake'? I am torturing myself and getting nowhere, and all the while becoming more exhausted with life.

Is this what every person who suddenly finds themselves abruptly single goes through? It seems there will be more sleepless nights filled with many tears.

Posted with LifeCast

It's All About Timing

Deb made reference to the random act of kindness I experienced while she explored hers in her post a few days ago.

The value in mine was less to do with the actual act (as hers was) and more to do with the timing. Last Friday morning I got on the train looking like hell. I hadn't slept at all since the Tuesday night, and had been made single on Thursday. I was feeling very shabby on the outside; tired with very puffy red eyes from too much crying. It can't have looked good.

I got on the train and checked to see if I had any emails from supportive friends who had found out about the break up. 'His' name came straight up and immediately I felt the blood drain from every limb. I felt like I was just going to crumple into a ball on the floor of the train. I couldn't hold back the tears and the entire train was able to witness my moment of sheer desperation and loneliness.

I pulled myself together as quickly as I could and tried to think about anything but the failed romance. I got off the train at the usual stop and walked towards the exit. I was suddenly tapped on the shoulder by a man who grabbed my hand and put a piece if paper into it.

I walked off smiling realising what would be on the paper. He cheered me up for the entire five minutes I walked to the office. Upon arrival it was unravelled as people asked me about the very subject I just wanted to avoid! But it gave me hope...hope in other people and hope in meeting someone else in the future (although right now that makes me feel sick). And so when I least expected there was anything the universe could do to me that would make this feeling of anguish disappear (even just for a moment)....it delivered. It did it with a cheeky smile too, which always makes me smile even more!

Posted with LifeCast

When You Can't Say Anything Nice, Blog.

It's night number four of no sleep. I am so sick of seeing the alarm clock with a '3' at the front and still not being asleep. I'm getting sovtired that the emotion does not seem to be dissipating at all. The professionals tell me that there is a number of things I will feel, in no particular order, and I might come back to some even though I thought they had been ticked off. Shock was the first, followed by anger then depression. Finally it's acceptance, which is a million miles away right now.

I am successfully chopping and changing between the first three, with the shock starting to calm a little...although I still have my moments with that one. However today I feel anger setting in at a fierce rate. I woke this morning still basically unslept and grabbed my phone to check I hadn't missed a brunch appointment designed to occupy me for the morning. A red '1' on the mail icon could only mean one thing...and of course I was right. I had responded to a message telling him I could not be his friend He had responded with an email: an outpouring of emotion designed to make himself feel better. A*sehole.

I responded swiftly befor even letting tears form, telling him that I would not be letting him do this. Once you decide you want out you no longer get to define any terms of an ongoing relationship (correct me if I am wrong). If I can't deal with it, he has to live with it and any attempts otherwise are self involved and unfair. I managed to get all of this out, noting along the way that I had given him every opportunity to not leave and to remain part if my life - no part of OUR life. Then I cried for half an hour, wishing the email exchange had been one more positive

It made me so angry and now that is all I can think of him. How dare he get annoyed at me for not being able to be his friend through this agony I am in right now. There are so many enraged thoughts I could put here right now but none of you would get to read it for the filters!!

So when you make the decision to end a relationship the least we can do is respect that the other person feels and reacts differently, and even if we don't understand that reaction we still have to allow for it. Otherwise you are just another selfish jerk.

Posted with LifeCast

The End Is Near

The pain hasn't set in yet, but I know it's on the way. I'm on my own already, and I know any positive thoughts are going to dissolve pretty quickly when I hear those words. And despite all this, I sit and wait. There is nothing more I can say to fix it, no more I can do to convince him that it's not worth throwing this away. He is going to throw it away and maybe one day he will wonder why he did...maybe he wont. But I'm never going to know because very soon I'm not going to be a part of his life.

I feel a little like a deer staring at the headlights of an oncoming car. You know the end result isn't going to be good, but you can't seem to get out of the way.

Numb. No end in sight. No amount of words from friends that are going to make any difference despite their most noble of intentions. Why do we keep trying? We simply must be far stupider than we look.

Posted with LifeCast

Victim Of Circumstance

Life leads you in funny directions. Sometimes where you hoped to go, sometimes not. I think without a doubt the more unexpected paths become the more rewarding ones...being out of your comfort zone and all that jazz.

Some people discover that they flourish in this situation, and some don't. I think for the most part, I fall into the former category. I take things as they come and try to remain calm and focussed in the things at hand. Right now however my other half has found himself to be a fish out of water and in a word, drowning. Work takes him away far more than his previous jobs and life for him is no longer what he once knew. None if this would matter too much to most people but when you factor into this a new romance it's a lot for anyone to cope with.

The strain on our relationship has become so heavy that he is questioning how long he can maintain both his job and the relationship. And as I agreed, we both know which would be on the chopping block.

And so despite a romance that is treasured by both of us, we appear to be in a situation neither of us know how to fix. The relationship has become a victim if circumstance and I wonder what there is to combat that? Neither of us know how to fix it, but neither wants to leave.

Posted with LifeCast

Networking Purpose

Deb and I made our way off to work drinks this evening, both happy in the knowledge that the other would be there and that a good time was guaranteed. We sat in a corner looking at the view out the window from scarily high above the other buildings and it suddenly became apparent to both of us that we really weren't socialising with anyone else at all. In fact, we really didn't have much interest in doing so.

A conversation ensued and it became apparent that Deb's understanding of the aforementioned monthly drinks was vastly different to mine. As a marketer I looked at the room and saw many potential networking opportunities. The only problem on this occasion was that I already knew almost everyone on the room.

However Deb saw nothing like this. I will leave it for her to confirm her opinion of the gathering's purpose but I'm assuming she felt it was more a chance to drink and chat to your closer colleagues.

So whilst it had been enlightening for her and a reminder that I really shouldn't be sitting in a corner, neither of us thought about moving for one moment. Then something happened and we were on our feet...our champagne ran out! So off we went to the bar.

It does beg the the question though: Are work drinks a time to relax or are you still on the clock? And if you're still on the clock, how do you leave to return your personal life (of which you have just given precious time) without being frowned upon by your superior?

Posted with LifeCast

Reflections in the waters of Hawaii

It's funny how things turn out in life. Have you ever taken a moment,
paused to reflect on where you are or what you are doing, and more
interestingly, how you never imagined you would be in that moment?

It happened to me recently, whilst on holiday. Nearing a state of
relaxation akin to unconsciousness, I contemplated my current
situation. On a beach in Hawaii, missing my boy, I wondered how I had
got there. And whilst I know not everything is always planned I think
most people know the types of places they want to visit or activities
they want to do. And so I was able to appreciate a whole lot more the
fact that I wasn't doing something I had waited forever to do. Instead
I had proceeded to do something somewhat out of the plans i haf for
myself and that in itself was rewarding!

Al

Sent from iPhone

Left Of Field

A friend of mine told me of such an usual comment that I am not sure what else to do but put it up here and invite comment. I'm sure MD, Deb and my usual commentators will have something to say on this!

The friend at the cente of this unusual story was asked to find someone with particular IT skills to do some work for her organisation. In contact with someone she soon signs him up for the job, and informs him via email that he's got the contract. He replied very happy to have the work.

Being a social person and good motivator of her staff she informs the new contractor via a short email that he should join them for drinks on Friday night. The response was something I did not even see coming. "thanks but I already have a girlfriend". What the...???

I was lost for words. What man possibly thinks his new boss I'd planning to take him on a date the first Friday he starts work?? In fact even if it was just a colleague, surely this assumption is not normal!

No wonder so many men are SO single if this is how they carry on! Do they really think that everyone wants to get into their pants? Do they think it's that easy to play the field?

Surely not?

Al

Posted with LifeCast

Admirable.

A friend of mine seriously impressed me the other night...doesn't happen that often with my friends so I was pretty happy with the whole experience.

Sick of being in a relationship she couldn't see any future in, she called it what it was and ended it. Sure it might have taken a while to get there, but never is it 'too long'. Sometimes you need to get to that point of finality yourself, but when you do it's incredibly empowering.

Another friend ended a seven year relationship a couple of months back after finally realising the guy she was seeing was never going to propose and didn't seem to want anything more from her than he already had. No kids, no house together, nothing to plan for. So despite what must have absolute heartache, she also called him on it and threw him out of their house - or should I now say 'her' house. The first month was understandably hard, alone at home was an unusual and upsetting scenario she had not envisaged she would be in. Two months on she is a changed person. Empowered by taking control of her life, rather than just going along for the ride, she is determined, focussed and ready to move on. Admirable.

Al

Posted with LifeCast

Dangerous Travel

I am not a huge risk taker, certainly not where my life is concerned. Sure I race a car from time to time out on a track, but I am completely in control and never go faster or push harder than the known bounds of my ability. So why is it that everytime I get in a cab I feel like I have just made a very foolish decision?

I cannot remember the last time I was in a cab where the driver was piloting the vehicle in a satisfactory manner. I am also unable to recall a time when the cab driver knew where he was going despite directions from the passenger(s) and completely in defiance of the sat nav's suggested route.

As someone who likes to develop in their job, I find it hard to understand how these people go about their employment with the most basic level of understanding possible. Granted many are migrants who are studying at night, but does this mean they should be allowed to perform their job negligently? If a crane oprator approached their job with same level of commitment they would be fired immediately - and they don't even take passengers! So why then do we allow taxi drivers to do the same??

Posted with LifeCast

Equilibrium Of Hot

When I was in Year 8, I decided I wanted to be a porn star. What's so interesting about that I hear you ask? Well I saw nothing wrong with it either and felt so comfortable with it that I announced it my accounting class. Needless to say that at one of the top private schools in the state, renowned for delivering exceptional academic results every November, it was not received that well by staff and a flurry of concern ensued.

I did genuinely think it would be a great job. Work a few hours a day, hang out with hot guys and without a doubt in my mind I would be doing something I truly love!

I have often had discussions with my friends on how they would cope if they somehow manage to fall in love with a porn star...and when I say fall in love I mean the type that is reciprocated - not fantasizing whilst watching his latest offering (so to speak!) on DVD. I'm by no means the jealous type but I just don't think I could do it. The notion of someone else portraying what I consider to be the most intimate and personal act with your partner, would make me physically sick. Ironic it is that I couldn't date one but I could be one myself!

And so begs the question, if you want the hottest guy or girl out there, are you happy to take what may come with it? Every guy I have dated has been a model at some point and whilst I wouldn't consider myself a modeliser, there is no way in hell I am walking down the street with someone average. The last one started to become annoying when walking down the street as people would actually stop what they were doing to look at him. Novel at first, annoying after a few months.

The fine line between exceptional and high maintenance seems ever elusive...lucky I already found that equilibrium! Those who give up on finding it are easily identified - they are the ones who 'go for brains not looks'. Rough translation on this: I settled because I couldn't do any better!

Al

Posted with LifeCast

1.5 People

So I am officially over fat people. Luckily I have never been under one, now that I think about that horrifying thought.

I spent $230 on a ticket for a seat at Mardi gras back in March, only to get to my seat and find that I couldn't sit there because a rotund lesbian who would interpret a 'Long mac' as a massive truck, not a coffee, was taking up not only her seat, but at least half of mine too.

This is becoming a more frequent situation I seem to face on the train coming to work. Fat people, little seats and not enough room for my perky butt.

In the ten years between 1985-1995, obesity in youths aged 7-17 tripled. The implications of this concerning statistic is being felt now. These youths are adults who now frequent my train! As the fattest nation in the world this is surely only going to get worse. So as the people get fatter, we are trying to squeeze more and more people into each carriage in the hope that one day the train operator might actually do something about it. I wonder if, were we to remove these mountains of unused energy from the trains, would there be room enough for the rest of us aboard our daily commute?

Al

Posted with LifeCast

The Homophobic Gay Man

My PBF and I would chat regularly about potentials we had on the go. It was a well known fact within our circle of friends that he was the talker, I was the do-er (pardon the pun). He would regularly talk about various individuals where the potential for a relationship hadn't progressed over a six month period. I would have met and...well met, at least a few in that period of time.

PBF's current distraction, for want of a better expression, is nicknamed JJ. This nickname gets used regularly on the phone so PBF can provide with regular updates. So began the single sided love affair that became rather boring to listen to, rather quickly. JJ would ring up PBF and ask him to go out to a club, and so sooner would they be in the club, JJ would disappear for the night turning up at work the next day at lunchtime - if at all. Whilst not so clear to PBF, it's clear me that PBF is being used. JJ simple wants someone to walk in the door with because he doesn't have the confidence to do it alone!

The strangest thing about JJ is that he is not comfortable with gay people in general. Recently at PBF's house prior to venturing off to the favourite Sunday night club, JJ decided to join us. No sooner had be walked in the door, he had swiftly moved to the nearest girl and was chatting to her like he was trying to pick her up? What was he so afraid of? That the gay people who already know he is gay will see him talking to a man and suddenly remember he is gay and bash him up? Or worse still tell all his friends and family? It's such strange behaviour that I simple don't comprehend - be proud if yourself, get a life and start living it. Otherwise it will pass you by in the blink of an eye.

Posted with LifeCast

My Mum

It's the simplest things sometimes about my mum that remind me so often of how much I love her. I'm in tucked up in bed right now trying to get an early night where I at least get to bed early even if I am laying here blogging!)

I'm firmly tucked up in bed under a nice new dooner my Mum bought me because she heard me complaining about the old one being too small. Despite these merely being grumblings from an over-tired man who was repeatedly losing the dooner war against his partner, she took note!

Days later I went to visit and there was a brand spanking new dooner sitting near the door ready for me to rush home and solve all by sleeping problems in one hit!

It's yet to be road tested but that's beside the point. I unashamedly admit that I am indeed a Mummies boy, and would not have it any other way!

Posted with LifeCast

Love vs. Location

I grew up in what many would call an unusual family. We were never the
family if 2.3 children and a brick veneer home. From a wealthy bayside
suburb where all the footy players now seem to reside, we moved to a
wealthy country area and then back into one of the most sort after
suburbs if the time. Redefining the term 'cosmopolitan living', it
mixed bayside living with close proximity to pretty much every
conceivable need one could have. Moments from the CBD, it was right on
the water and seemlessly mixed what is now a benchmark for cafe
culture in Melbourne. For me none of this seemed out of the ordinary.
After all, wasn't this how everyone lived?

So begged the question: What was the point of living out in the
suburbs? I never got it, I have to say. I concluded from my own
thinking that perhaps people liked the lifestyle of days gone by. Of
having kids and letting them play with the neighbour's kids, popping
next door for a cup of sugar...that sort of thing. From what I could
gather, this had to be the attraction. People wanting to live like
it's 1950 and pretend the 'stranger danger' was not a reality, but
that their child was perfectly safe down the street with little Timmy
Jones.

So, perplexed by the value the outer suburbs held, the time came for
me to move out. There were not really many options I could see I had,
or more to the point - needed. A large contingent of friends in a
concentrated area also happened to be the location for the types of
places I was going out and so it made sense to live there. An inner
city suburb rich in cafe culture, it was sporting a vast array of
clothing shops only a latte or two away. I settled into my new
location easily and was immediately comfortable calling it home! I
also managed to plug a geographical gap in a line of friends that
would lead straight to our preferred club, meaning that if the first
one decided they were going out, they would collect the rest of us
along the way...the final stop being the aforementioned PBF.

It was not until very recently that I was given a new perspective on
why people might live in these outer suburbs I hear so much about -
yet know so little. The new romantic interest lives in one such suburb
and is building another house close by. He alerted me to the notion
that perhaps people could not afford to live any closer to the CBD.
What? Who were these people and where did they come from? Was this
common I wondered? Where did these people work? Or shop? Or drink
latte even? It all seemed so alien to me - like noticing for the first
time a tree you have driven past hundreds of times.

This ignorance soon came to an abrupt end when the subject of me
moving into the soon-to-be-built home in the outer suburb came up. 'Of
course I would consider' I said, unaware of what I was potentially
signing up for. So where does one start in researching life in the
'burbs? And would I even survive if I was to make such a bold
geographical move? All are questions I need answers to before I shoot
my mouth off again...

And so the question begs, what sacrifices will you make to ensure your
relationship remains intact? Would I go crazy in an outer suburb
filled with growing families and screaming kids? Would I develop a
complex living in such a suburb knowing full well that the majority of
people surrounding me would probably read the 'wrong' paper (if they
read one at all). Would I be surrounded by criminals a parent had
potentially sentenced to lengthy jail terms?! All of this for love?!
Suddenly love seems a bit dangerous!

Al

The past and the future

I have recently been married off and so my PBF and I have been
spending far less time together. 'What's a PBF?' I hear you ask. Good
question.

My friend and I had long been suspected of having it off by one friend
in particular. Both of us had just come out of relationships and
shared a number of interests which meant it was seamless a friendship.
Despite the ease with which we spent every conscious moment with each
other there was never (on either person's agenda) the notion of taking
the relationship anywhere outside of a friendship. And so people
talked whilst we laughed at the idea - unable to conceive how ANYONE
could see the other in such a light. It had all the trimmings of a
sibling relationship.

One day such a friend (of both of ours) made a remark about bringing
my 'pseudo-boyfriend' along to a yet another party. I was a bit
shocked. My pseudo-boyfriend? Was this another term for a +1? Or was
this something more? After further investigation it appeared to be
more than just a +1. It was in fact more of a boyfriend without the
physical gratuities that came with such a title. And so our pseudo
relationship began, without us ever consciously knowing it had even
begun.

When you think about it, maybe that's how they have to start? Someone
else has to inform you that you appear to be in a relationship and
thus you have just acquired a PBF. And while you're single and having
fun what harm can it do? You always have someone to go out with, you
never need to make the 'plus-one-calls' at the eleventh hour looking
for someone to go to a mediocre party with. It's kind of like the f**k
buddy but in reverse, and the same rule applies: don't mistake it for
more than it is and it will work just fine for both of you.

Al

The search for the perfect...house

With MD leaving me with one hell of a benchmark to emulate, I'm left
to ponder what I will 'blog' about.

Talking to Deb today I decided it best to start from today, with MD
having captured at least some of the past.

And so my first topic open for discussion, and ironically one quite
similar to MD:

At dinner on Friday night with a close friend, his current house guest
of two weeks was telling us about her move from Sydney and, more
pertinent to this story, her failed attempts at finding a place to
settle in Melbourne. Looking online, she had had very little luck: a
great house was spoiled by a weird housemate and vice versa. One
particular woman had a bird that sat on her shoulder. It was however
one particular response to her ad caught her attention. In his late
thirties, he owned a penthouse in a bayside suburb and worked as an
airline pilot. On paper he was the ideal catch, even as a housemate he
would be ideal in his prolonged absence!

And so we began to talk about where the line exists between finding a
house and finding a husband. Given the rigorous questionnaire that
this girl had filled out, the online matching service had matched her
with potential housemates with remarkable accuracy. Was this the
perfect dating service? Can love follow if you have already sorted out
whether the toilet seat is up or down? After all, living together is
potentially the hardest hurdle to overcome. Maybe it's advice the
single should heed, get off RSVP and get on realestate.com!

Number One

So a fellow blogger suggested that I was giving her so much material in her own blog that there had been calls for me to start my own...weird, given the kind of stories I often have seem miles apart from the kind of people I thought would read her blog. And yet here I am, starting my own blog at her prompting.

thanks Miss Diarist...hopefully I provide your loyal readers (can you call them fans on a blog I wonder) with plenty of amusement.

Al