It's night number four of no sleep. I am so sick of seeing the alarm clock with a '3' at the front and still not being asleep. I'm getting sovtired that the emotion does not seem to be dissipating at all. The professionals tell me that there is a number of things I will feel, in no particular order, and I might come back to some even though I thought they had been ticked off. Shock was the first, followed by anger then depression. Finally it's acceptance, which is a million miles away right now.
I am successfully chopping and changing between the first three, with the shock starting to calm a little...although I still have my moments with that one. However today I feel anger setting in at a fierce rate. I woke this morning still basically unslept and grabbed my phone to check I hadn't missed a brunch appointment designed to occupy me for the morning. A red '1' on the mail icon could only mean one thing...and of course I was right. I had responded to a message telling him I could not be his friend He had responded with an email: an outpouring of emotion designed to make himself feel better. A*sehole.
I responded swiftly befor even letting tears form, telling him that I would not be letting him do this. Once you decide you want out you no longer get to define any terms of an ongoing relationship (correct me if I am wrong). If I can't deal with it, he has to live with it and any attempts otherwise are self involved and unfair. I managed to get all of this out, noting along the way that I had given him every opportunity to not leave and to remain part if my life - no part of OUR life. Then I cried for half an hour, wishing the email exchange had been one more positive
It made me so angry and now that is all I can think of him. How dare he get annoyed at me for not being able to be his friend through this agony I am in right now. There are so many enraged thoughts I could put here right now but none of you would get to read it for the filters!!
So when you make the decision to end a relationship the least we can do is respect that the other person feels and reacts differently, and even if we don't understand that reaction we still have to allow for it. Otherwise you are just another selfish jerk.
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Saturday, November 8, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
The End Is Near
The pain hasn't set in yet, but I know it's on the way. I'm on my own already, and I know any positive thoughts are going to dissolve pretty quickly when I hear those words. And despite all this, I sit and wait. There is nothing more I can say to fix it, no more I can do to convince him that it's not worth throwing this away. He is going to throw it away and maybe one day he will wonder why he did...maybe he wont. But I'm never going to know because very soon I'm not going to be a part of his life.
I feel a little like a deer staring at the headlights of an oncoming car. You know the end result isn't going to be good, but you can't seem to get out of the way.
Numb. No end in sight. No amount of words from friends that are going to make any difference despite their most noble of intentions. Why do we keep trying? We simply must be far stupider than we look.
Posted with LifeCast
I feel a little like a deer staring at the headlights of an oncoming car. You know the end result isn't going to be good, but you can't seem to get out of the way.
Numb. No end in sight. No amount of words from friends that are going to make any difference despite their most noble of intentions. Why do we keep trying? We simply must be far stupider than we look.
Posted with LifeCast
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Victim Of Circumstance
Life leads you in funny directions. Sometimes where you hoped to go, sometimes not. I think without a doubt the more unexpected paths become the more rewarding ones...being out of your comfort zone and all that jazz.
Some people discover that they flourish in this situation, and some don't. I think for the most part, I fall into the former category. I take things as they come and try to remain calm and focussed in the things at hand. Right now however my other half has found himself to be a fish out of water and in a word, drowning. Work takes him away far more than his previous jobs and life for him is no longer what he once knew. None if this would matter too much to most people but when you factor into this a new romance it's a lot for anyone to cope with.
The strain on our relationship has become so heavy that he is questioning how long he can maintain both his job and the relationship. And as I agreed, we both know which would be on the chopping block.
And so despite a romance that is treasured by both of us, we appear to be in a situation neither of us know how to fix. The relationship has become a victim if circumstance and I wonder what there is to combat that? Neither of us know how to fix it, but neither wants to leave.
Posted with LifeCast
Some people discover that they flourish in this situation, and some don't. I think for the most part, I fall into the former category. I take things as they come and try to remain calm and focussed in the things at hand. Right now however my other half has found himself to be a fish out of water and in a word, drowning. Work takes him away far more than his previous jobs and life for him is no longer what he once knew. None if this would matter too much to most people but when you factor into this a new romance it's a lot for anyone to cope with.
The strain on our relationship has become so heavy that he is questioning how long he can maintain both his job and the relationship. And as I agreed, we both know which would be on the chopping block.
And so despite a romance that is treasured by both of us, we appear to be in a situation neither of us know how to fix. The relationship has become a victim if circumstance and I wonder what there is to combat that? Neither of us know how to fix it, but neither wants to leave.
Posted with LifeCast
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