Music For The Soul

There are some things that never cease to amaze me: guide dogs are a good example of something I am destined to always be in complete awe of.

There are some things that not only amaze me but move me to such a degree that I momentarily embark on a private and deep self reflection. There are not many things that prompt this in me.

Without a doubt, it is music that brings me to this point more often than anything else. Whilst at my parents this evening my father was watching The West Wing, and from the other room I was drawn to the tv as a piece of music started to play. Both my mother and me headed straight to the tv silently to better hear this piece of music and stood, motionless. Moved.

As the show climaxes in a height of emotion over the President's kidnapped daughter, Sanvean by Lisa Gerrard starts to stream from the tv.

Find it and listen to it. Stand, sit...whatever you need to do. Absorb the music and experience such an amazingly powerful piece of music that truly does caress the soul.

Al

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Double Standards

I met with a colleague (and a friend) today to catch up on each other's holidays. After filling her in on the 'Days of our lives' saga that became my holiday, I got the low down from her.

Mary has been blogged about before, a vivacious young woman who realised after seven years that her and her (now) ex were not on the same page. Slowly but surely she's got back on the horse - so to speak! In fact it appears she got on a couple of horses in a short period of time over the holidays. I was ever so please, as she was clearly happy to have done so and it was great to see her becoming more comfortable with putting herself out there. It seems she Is enjoying horses more than she realised!

However a comment quickly changed the focus of the conversation. It seems Mary was being very cautious about who she told as the stigma of a woman 'going riding' more than once every ten years was not one she wished to pursue.

How odd, I thought to myself. In gay male culture, you could go out to a club and pick up, take them home and 'hop on the horse'. You could then shower and head back and do it all again. And if you were to tell your male friends, you would get a smile which would say 'Well done, I wish I had the courage to go out and do that!'

In stark contrast here we have a woman who is anything but the cheap and vulgar slang terms she would surely receive were she to tell the wrong person. The double standards have gone nowhere so far as I can tell, but i'll turn straight before I submit to those.

Good on her I say, and if she wants to enter every horse race in the country what does it really matter so long as the horses don't already have a rider??

Al

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Elusive harmony

Someone once said to me that there are three things in life that are important to everyone - love, home and work - and that of these things there will always be one that isn't performing as you would like. Ever since hearing this, I thought this was the case insofar as my life was concerned, with one coming good whilst simultaneously another started to fail.

Then, just before the end of the year, they all came good and stayed that way and I thought I really had sorted out my life so well that I had attained the unattainable. Little did I realise what was coming my way...for I had not been made aware of the fourth element in this equation: friends.

And so begins the latest disaster to mop up as the PBF and me are no longer on speaking terms. A series of events over the Christmas break whilst holidaying with my closest friends (including the PBF) have made me question when discretion should be used with your friends, and when you should just be blunt and tell them how you feel about what they are doing with their life.

As you would have read from previous posts, the PBF has an entirely unhealthy obsession with a man he simply can't have. This obsession has been going on for well over a year, with me having to hear about it every single time I see the PBF. At first it seemed comical and harmless however it's manifested into an unhealthy, sad and lonely obsession that is beginning to effect PBF in such a way that he is volatile and withdrawn.

So I wonder, do you call them early on this type of thing and be completely honest? Or do you do as I did on this occasion and make it clear that you don't think there's a chance, all the while knowing the person is not listening to what you are saying?

By taking such an approach we have had a disagreement of such magnitude that we aren't speaking and I am now faced with emailing PBF to ensure he knows where I stand. And despite only ever having the best of intentions, I have a fair idea none of it is going to register with him.

The elusive harmony in life once again slips away...I did get close this time though!

Al

Fate

So I'm going to tell you a story...I'm not quite sure what it means yet but that will become obvious soon enough I'm sure.

I have been out for the last two nights, finding it really tough to go out and see a world of sex, substances and sordid behaviour that I thought I would never have to deal with again. I really felt that I as never going to be single again, but here I am...

Anyway, tonight I felt I was making progress then I got text from my ex...."I have just met Matt and apparently you said all good things about me. I miss you xx". Instantly my heart sank and the tears formed. I became a mess. Fuelled by a lot of alcohol I was heading to a dark place.

Now regular readers will be keen to know that Matt was the man I have blogged about before. The antithesis of my ex, successful and older, he was everything I described I wanted to have to get over my ex. I met him on a recent business trip to Perth. He has been on my mind a lot lately as I really think he is someone I want to be part of my life. Little did I realize why....

So it turns out that Matt had gone out and got talking to a cute young guy who was talking about his boyfriend and how things had ended. Matt had given him his opinion of the situation, saying that he thought the reasons he had given Matt for why the relationship had ended were a load of rubbish. The young man then showed Matt a photo...Matt apparently nearly fell over when my face showed up on screen!!!

So there was my ex seeking relationship advice from a guy I had met in Perth once! I don't know what will happen, but my god the world is an odd place!!! I have always said that I felt we were just meant to be together, and this just encourages it. Maybe I'm wrong but right now it feels that way!

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Support Card

My PBF is very interested in all things spiritual, drawing much comfort from it in a time where he is clearly still coming to grips with the death of a long term relationship about a year ago.

Since my break up I have been encouraged by him to draw a card from the pack of Angel cards he has, in order to get some guidance and direction amongst a sea of confusion that is going on in my head. Four times out of six I have pulled out the card 'Support'. It encourages me to rely on friends and take in their advice and support as much as is required. It seems this card knows what I am going through. It seems it wants me to realise that friends are there in good and bad, and in the bad it should not be a time when you worry about burdening them with you problems.

Each time I pull it out I am reminded of the support I have received over the last few weeks. Not once have any of my friends or family ever even looked like they were over hearing me talk about the break up. Not once have they done anything but support me. It makes me so appreciative, so loved and most of all, it makes me realise that life does go on after all. Even readers of this blog have shown their support, for which I am eternally grateful also.

So from a very dark place I have been nursed through. I hope you all draw the support card occasionally too, because even though when in a time of despair you may not realise what has been done for you, it soon becomes clear that your friends are never far away.

Al

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Sleepness Nights And Many Tears

It's three weeks tomorrow since life as I knew it came crashing down. And while the roller coaster has been rough, nothing has played more on my mind than the fact that 'he' seems to feel the need to make himself feel better by contacting me.

Why do people feel the need to contact you after a break up? Initially I had hoped it was a signal fire...a testing of the water to see if I would respond well to a potential reconciliation. It quickly became apparent that it was far more self indulgent than this. Reconciliation was not the name of the game he was playing.

Instead it appears that it was nothing more than the ramblings of a mixed up young man, exposing heavily the lack of maturity he had thus far hidden so well. Any attempts conveyed by me to convince him to stop contacting me have so far been ignored after a few days of silence. And so I wonder, how do I get on with falling out of love with this man if he keeps re-entering my life?

More pertinently, how do I ignore the voice in my head that, filled with misguided optimism, says 'just maybe, this will be the email telling me he made a big mistake'? I am torturing myself and getting nowhere, and all the while becoming more exhausted with life.

Is this what every person who suddenly finds themselves abruptly single goes through? It seems there will be more sleepless nights filled with many tears.

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It's All About Timing

Deb made reference to the random act of kindness I experienced while she explored hers in her post a few days ago.

The value in mine was less to do with the actual act (as hers was) and more to do with the timing. Last Friday morning I got on the train looking like hell. I hadn't slept at all since the Tuesday night, and had been made single on Thursday. I was feeling very shabby on the outside; tired with very puffy red eyes from too much crying. It can't have looked good.

I got on the train and checked to see if I had any emails from supportive friends who had found out about the break up. 'His' name came straight up and immediately I felt the blood drain from every limb. I felt like I was just going to crumple into a ball on the floor of the train. I couldn't hold back the tears and the entire train was able to witness my moment of sheer desperation and loneliness.

I pulled myself together as quickly as I could and tried to think about anything but the failed romance. I got off the train at the usual stop and walked towards the exit. I was suddenly tapped on the shoulder by a man who grabbed my hand and put a piece if paper into it.

I walked off smiling realising what would be on the paper. He cheered me up for the entire five minutes I walked to the office. Upon arrival it was unravelled as people asked me about the very subject I just wanted to avoid! But it gave me hope...hope in other people and hope in meeting someone else in the future (although right now that makes me feel sick). And so when I least expected there was anything the universe could do to me that would make this feeling of anguish disappear (even just for a moment)....it delivered. It did it with a cheeky smile too, which always makes me smile even more!

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