So I'm going to tell you a story...I'm not quite sure what it means yet but that will become obvious soon enough I'm sure.
I have been out for the last two nights, finding it really tough to go out and see a world of sex, substances and sordid behaviour that I thought I would never have to deal with again. I really felt that I as never going to be single again, but here I am...
Anyway, tonight I felt I was making progress then I got text from my ex...."I have just met Matt and apparently you said all good things about me. I miss you xx". Instantly my heart sank and the tears formed. I became a mess. Fuelled by a lot of alcohol I was heading to a dark place.
Now regular readers will be keen to know that Matt was the man I have blogged about before. The antithesis of my ex, successful and older, he was everything I described I wanted to have to get over my ex. I met him on a recent business trip to Perth. He has been on my mind a lot lately as I really think he is someone I want to be part of my life. Little did I realize why....
So it turns out that Matt had gone out and got talking to a cute young guy who was talking about his boyfriend and how things had ended. Matt had given him his opinion of the situation, saying that he thought the reasons he had given Matt for why the relationship had ended were a load of rubbish. The young man then showed Matt a photo...Matt apparently nearly fell over when my face showed up on screen!!!
So there was my ex seeking relationship advice from a guy I had met in Perth once! I don't know what will happen, but my god the world is an odd place!!! I have always said that I felt we were just meant to be together, and this just encourages it. Maybe I'm wrong but right now it feels that way!
Posted with LifeCast
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Support Card
My PBF is very interested in all things spiritual, drawing much comfort from it in a time where he is clearly still coming to grips with the death of a long term relationship about a year ago.
Since my break up I have been encouraged by him to draw a card from the pack of Angel cards he has, in order to get some guidance and direction amongst a sea of confusion that is going on in my head. Four times out of six I have pulled out the card 'Support'. It encourages me to rely on friends and take in their advice and support as much as is required. It seems this card knows what I am going through. It seems it wants me to realise that friends are there in good and bad, and in the bad it should not be a time when you worry about burdening them with you problems.
Each time I pull it out I am reminded of the support I have received over the last few weeks. Not once have any of my friends or family ever even looked like they were over hearing me talk about the break up. Not once have they done anything but support me. It makes me so appreciative, so loved and most of all, it makes me realise that life does go on after all. Even readers of this blog have shown their support, for which I am eternally grateful also.
So from a very dark place I have been nursed through. I hope you all draw the support card occasionally too, because even though when in a time of despair you may not realise what has been done for you, it soon becomes clear that your friends are never far away.
Al
Posted with LifeCast
Since my break up I have been encouraged by him to draw a card from the pack of Angel cards he has, in order to get some guidance and direction amongst a sea of confusion that is going on in my head. Four times out of six I have pulled out the card 'Support'. It encourages me to rely on friends and take in their advice and support as much as is required. It seems this card knows what I am going through. It seems it wants me to realise that friends are there in good and bad, and in the bad it should not be a time when you worry about burdening them with you problems.
Each time I pull it out I am reminded of the support I have received over the last few weeks. Not once have any of my friends or family ever even looked like they were over hearing me talk about the break up. Not once have they done anything but support me. It makes me so appreciative, so loved and most of all, it makes me realise that life does go on after all. Even readers of this blog have shown their support, for which I am eternally grateful also.
So from a very dark place I have been nursed through. I hope you all draw the support card occasionally too, because even though when in a time of despair you may not realise what has been done for you, it soon becomes clear that your friends are never far away.
Al
Posted with LifeCast
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Sleepness Nights And Many Tears
It's three weeks tomorrow since life as I knew it came crashing down. And while the roller coaster has been rough, nothing has played more on my mind than the fact that 'he' seems to feel the need to make himself feel better by contacting me.
Why do people feel the need to contact you after a break up? Initially I had hoped it was a signal fire...a testing of the water to see if I would respond well to a potential reconciliation. It quickly became apparent that it was far more self indulgent than this. Reconciliation was not the name of the game he was playing.
Instead it appears that it was nothing more than the ramblings of a mixed up young man, exposing heavily the lack of maturity he had thus far hidden so well. Any attempts conveyed by me to convince him to stop contacting me have so far been ignored after a few days of silence. And so I wonder, how do I get on with falling out of love with this man if he keeps re-entering my life?
More pertinently, how do I ignore the voice in my head that, filled with misguided optimism, says 'just maybe, this will be the email telling me he made a big mistake'? I am torturing myself and getting nowhere, and all the while becoming more exhausted with life.
Is this what every person who suddenly finds themselves abruptly single goes through? It seems there will be more sleepless nights filled with many tears.
Posted with LifeCast
Why do people feel the need to contact you after a break up? Initially I had hoped it was a signal fire...a testing of the water to see if I would respond well to a potential reconciliation. It quickly became apparent that it was far more self indulgent than this. Reconciliation was not the name of the game he was playing.
Instead it appears that it was nothing more than the ramblings of a mixed up young man, exposing heavily the lack of maturity he had thus far hidden so well. Any attempts conveyed by me to convince him to stop contacting me have so far been ignored after a few days of silence. And so I wonder, how do I get on with falling out of love with this man if he keeps re-entering my life?
More pertinently, how do I ignore the voice in my head that, filled with misguided optimism, says 'just maybe, this will be the email telling me he made a big mistake'? I am torturing myself and getting nowhere, and all the while becoming more exhausted with life.
Is this what every person who suddenly finds themselves abruptly single goes through? It seems there will be more sleepless nights filled with many tears.
Posted with LifeCast
Monday, November 10, 2008
It's All About Timing
Deb made reference to the random act of kindness I experienced while she explored hers in her post a few days ago.
The value in mine was less to do with the actual act (as hers was) and more to do with the timing. Last Friday morning I got on the train looking like hell. I hadn't slept at all since the Tuesday night, and had been made single on Thursday. I was feeling very shabby on the outside; tired with very puffy red eyes from too much crying. It can't have looked good.
I got on the train and checked to see if I had any emails from supportive friends who had found out about the break up. 'His' name came straight up and immediately I felt the blood drain from every limb. I felt like I was just going to crumple into a ball on the floor of the train. I couldn't hold back the tears and the entire train was able to witness my moment of sheer desperation and loneliness.
I pulled myself together as quickly as I could and tried to think about anything but the failed romance. I got off the train at the usual stop and walked towards the exit. I was suddenly tapped on the shoulder by a man who grabbed my hand and put a piece if paper into it.
I walked off smiling realising what would be on the paper. He cheered me up for the entire five minutes I walked to the office. Upon arrival it was unravelled as people asked me about the very subject I just wanted to avoid! But it gave me hope...hope in other people and hope in meeting someone else in the future (although right now that makes me feel sick). And so when I least expected there was anything the universe could do to me that would make this feeling of anguish disappear (even just for a moment)....it delivered. It did it with a cheeky smile too, which always makes me smile even more!
Posted with LifeCast
The value in mine was less to do with the actual act (as hers was) and more to do with the timing. Last Friday morning I got on the train looking like hell. I hadn't slept at all since the Tuesday night, and had been made single on Thursday. I was feeling very shabby on the outside; tired with very puffy red eyes from too much crying. It can't have looked good.
I got on the train and checked to see if I had any emails from supportive friends who had found out about the break up. 'His' name came straight up and immediately I felt the blood drain from every limb. I felt like I was just going to crumple into a ball on the floor of the train. I couldn't hold back the tears and the entire train was able to witness my moment of sheer desperation and loneliness.
I pulled myself together as quickly as I could and tried to think about anything but the failed romance. I got off the train at the usual stop and walked towards the exit. I was suddenly tapped on the shoulder by a man who grabbed my hand and put a piece if paper into it.
I walked off smiling realising what would be on the paper. He cheered me up for the entire five minutes I walked to the office. Upon arrival it was unravelled as people asked me about the very subject I just wanted to avoid! But it gave me hope...hope in other people and hope in meeting someone else in the future (although right now that makes me feel sick). And so when I least expected there was anything the universe could do to me that would make this feeling of anguish disappear (even just for a moment)....it delivered. It did it with a cheeky smile too, which always makes me smile even more!
Posted with LifeCast
Saturday, November 8, 2008
When You Can't Say Anything Nice, Blog.
It's night number four of no sleep. I am so sick of seeing the alarm clock with a '3' at the front and still not being asleep. I'm getting sovtired that the emotion does not seem to be dissipating at all. The professionals tell me that there is a number of things I will feel, in no particular order, and I might come back to some even though I thought they had been ticked off. Shock was the first, followed by anger then depression. Finally it's acceptance, which is a million miles away right now.
I am successfully chopping and changing between the first three, with the shock starting to calm a little...although I still have my moments with that one. However today I feel anger setting in at a fierce rate. I woke this morning still basically unslept and grabbed my phone to check I hadn't missed a brunch appointment designed to occupy me for the morning. A red '1' on the mail icon could only mean one thing...and of course I was right. I had responded to a message telling him I could not be his friend He had responded with an email: an outpouring of emotion designed to make himself feel better. A*sehole.
I responded swiftly befor even letting tears form, telling him that I would not be letting him do this. Once you decide you want out you no longer get to define any terms of an ongoing relationship (correct me if I am wrong). If I can't deal with it, he has to live with it and any attempts otherwise are self involved and unfair. I managed to get all of this out, noting along the way that I had given him every opportunity to not leave and to remain part if my life - no part of OUR life. Then I cried for half an hour, wishing the email exchange had been one more positive
It made me so angry and now that is all I can think of him. How dare he get annoyed at me for not being able to be his friend through this agony I am in right now. There are so many enraged thoughts I could put here right now but none of you would get to read it for the filters!!
So when you make the decision to end a relationship the least we can do is respect that the other person feels and reacts differently, and even if we don't understand that reaction we still have to allow for it. Otherwise you are just another selfish jerk.
Posted with LifeCast
I am successfully chopping and changing between the first three, with the shock starting to calm a little...although I still have my moments with that one. However today I feel anger setting in at a fierce rate. I woke this morning still basically unslept and grabbed my phone to check I hadn't missed a brunch appointment designed to occupy me for the morning. A red '1' on the mail icon could only mean one thing...and of course I was right. I had responded to a message telling him I could not be his friend He had responded with an email: an outpouring of emotion designed to make himself feel better. A*sehole.
I responded swiftly befor even letting tears form, telling him that I would not be letting him do this. Once you decide you want out you no longer get to define any terms of an ongoing relationship (correct me if I am wrong). If I can't deal with it, he has to live with it and any attempts otherwise are self involved and unfair. I managed to get all of this out, noting along the way that I had given him every opportunity to not leave and to remain part if my life - no part of OUR life. Then I cried for half an hour, wishing the email exchange had been one more positive
It made me so angry and now that is all I can think of him. How dare he get annoyed at me for not being able to be his friend through this agony I am in right now. There are so many enraged thoughts I could put here right now but none of you would get to read it for the filters!!
So when you make the decision to end a relationship the least we can do is respect that the other person feels and reacts differently, and even if we don't understand that reaction we still have to allow for it. Otherwise you are just another selfish jerk.
Posted with LifeCast
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
The End Is Near
The pain hasn't set in yet, but I know it's on the way. I'm on my own already, and I know any positive thoughts are going to dissolve pretty quickly when I hear those words. And despite all this, I sit and wait. There is nothing more I can say to fix it, no more I can do to convince him that it's not worth throwing this away. He is going to throw it away and maybe one day he will wonder why he did...maybe he wont. But I'm never going to know because very soon I'm not going to be a part of his life.
I feel a little like a deer staring at the headlights of an oncoming car. You know the end result isn't going to be good, but you can't seem to get out of the way.
Numb. No end in sight. No amount of words from friends that are going to make any difference despite their most noble of intentions. Why do we keep trying? We simply must be far stupider than we look.
Posted with LifeCast
I feel a little like a deer staring at the headlights of an oncoming car. You know the end result isn't going to be good, but you can't seem to get out of the way.
Numb. No end in sight. No amount of words from friends that are going to make any difference despite their most noble of intentions. Why do we keep trying? We simply must be far stupider than we look.
Posted with LifeCast
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Victim Of Circumstance
Life leads you in funny directions. Sometimes where you hoped to go, sometimes not. I think without a doubt the more unexpected paths become the more rewarding ones...being out of your comfort zone and all that jazz.
Some people discover that they flourish in this situation, and some don't. I think for the most part, I fall into the former category. I take things as they come and try to remain calm and focussed in the things at hand. Right now however my other half has found himself to be a fish out of water and in a word, drowning. Work takes him away far more than his previous jobs and life for him is no longer what he once knew. None if this would matter too much to most people but when you factor into this a new romance it's a lot for anyone to cope with.
The strain on our relationship has become so heavy that he is questioning how long he can maintain both his job and the relationship. And as I agreed, we both know which would be on the chopping block.
And so despite a romance that is treasured by both of us, we appear to be in a situation neither of us know how to fix. The relationship has become a victim if circumstance and I wonder what there is to combat that? Neither of us know how to fix it, but neither wants to leave.
Posted with LifeCast
Some people discover that they flourish in this situation, and some don't. I think for the most part, I fall into the former category. I take things as they come and try to remain calm and focussed in the things at hand. Right now however my other half has found himself to be a fish out of water and in a word, drowning. Work takes him away far more than his previous jobs and life for him is no longer what he once knew. None if this would matter too much to most people but when you factor into this a new romance it's a lot for anyone to cope with.
The strain on our relationship has become so heavy that he is questioning how long he can maintain both his job and the relationship. And as I agreed, we both know which would be on the chopping block.
And so despite a romance that is treasured by both of us, we appear to be in a situation neither of us know how to fix. The relationship has become a victim if circumstance and I wonder what there is to combat that? Neither of us know how to fix it, but neither wants to leave.
Posted with LifeCast
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