Elusive harmony

Someone once said to me that there are three things in life that are important to everyone - love, home and work - and that of these things there will always be one that isn't performing as you would like. Ever since hearing this, I thought this was the case insofar as my life was concerned, with one coming good whilst simultaneously another started to fail.

Then, just before the end of the year, they all came good and stayed that way and I thought I really had sorted out my life so well that I had attained the unattainable. Little did I realise what was coming my way...for I had not been made aware of the fourth element in this equation: friends.

And so begins the latest disaster to mop up as the PBF and me are no longer on speaking terms. A series of events over the Christmas break whilst holidaying with my closest friends (including the PBF) have made me question when discretion should be used with your friends, and when you should just be blunt and tell them how you feel about what they are doing with their life.

As you would have read from previous posts, the PBF has an entirely unhealthy obsession with a man he simply can't have. This obsession has been going on for well over a year, with me having to hear about it every single time I see the PBF. At first it seemed comical and harmless however it's manifested into an unhealthy, sad and lonely obsession that is beginning to effect PBF in such a way that he is volatile and withdrawn.

So I wonder, do you call them early on this type of thing and be completely honest? Or do you do as I did on this occasion and make it clear that you don't think there's a chance, all the while knowing the person is not listening to what you are saying?

By taking such an approach we have had a disagreement of such magnitude that we aren't speaking and I am now faced with emailing PBF to ensure he knows where I stand. And despite only ever having the best of intentions, I have a fair idea none of it is going to register with him.

The elusive harmony in life once again slips away...I did get close this time though!

Al

Support Card

My PBF is very interested in all things spiritual, drawing much comfort from it in a time where he is clearly still coming to grips with the death of a long term relationship about a year ago.

Since my break up I have been encouraged by him to draw a card from the pack of Angel cards he has, in order to get some guidance and direction amongst a sea of confusion that is going on in my head. Four times out of six I have pulled out the card 'Support'. It encourages me to rely on friends and take in their advice and support as much as is required. It seems this card knows what I am going through. It seems it wants me to realise that friends are there in good and bad, and in the bad it should not be a time when you worry about burdening them with you problems.

Each time I pull it out I am reminded of the support I have received over the last few weeks. Not once have any of my friends or family ever even looked like they were over hearing me talk about the break up. Not once have they done anything but support me. It makes me so appreciative, so loved and most of all, it makes me realise that life does go on after all. Even readers of this blog have shown their support, for which I am eternally grateful also.

So from a very dark place I have been nursed through. I hope you all draw the support card occasionally too, because even though when in a time of despair you may not realise what has been done for you, it soon becomes clear that your friends are never far away.

Al

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The Homophobic Gay Man

My PBF and I would chat regularly about potentials we had on the go. It was a well known fact within our circle of friends that he was the talker, I was the do-er (pardon the pun). He would regularly talk about various individuals where the potential for a relationship hadn't progressed over a six month period. I would have met and...well met, at least a few in that period of time.

PBF's current distraction, for want of a better expression, is nicknamed JJ. This nickname gets used regularly on the phone so PBF can provide with regular updates. So began the single sided love affair that became rather boring to listen to, rather quickly. JJ would ring up PBF and ask him to go out to a club, and so sooner would they be in the club, JJ would disappear for the night turning up at work the next day at lunchtime - if at all. Whilst not so clear to PBF, it's clear me that PBF is being used. JJ simple wants someone to walk in the door with because he doesn't have the confidence to do it alone!

The strangest thing about JJ is that he is not comfortable with gay people in general. Recently at PBF's house prior to venturing off to the favourite Sunday night club, JJ decided to join us. No sooner had be walked in the door, he had swiftly moved to the nearest girl and was chatting to her like he was trying to pick her up? What was he so afraid of? That the gay people who already know he is gay will see him talking to a man and suddenly remember he is gay and bash him up? Or worse still tell all his friends and family? It's such strange behaviour that I simple don't comprehend - be proud if yourself, get a life and start living it. Otherwise it will pass you by in the blink of an eye.

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The past and the future

I have recently been married off and so my PBF and I have been
spending far less time together. 'What's a PBF?' I hear you ask. Good
question.

My friend and I had long been suspected of having it off by one friend
in particular. Both of us had just come out of relationships and
shared a number of interests which meant it was seamless a friendship.
Despite the ease with which we spent every conscious moment with each
other there was never (on either person's agenda) the notion of taking
the relationship anywhere outside of a friendship. And so people
talked whilst we laughed at the idea - unable to conceive how ANYONE
could see the other in such a light. It had all the trimmings of a
sibling relationship.

One day such a friend (of both of ours) made a remark about bringing
my 'pseudo-boyfriend' along to a yet another party. I was a bit
shocked. My pseudo-boyfriend? Was this another term for a +1? Or was
this something more? After further investigation it appeared to be
more than just a +1. It was in fact more of a boyfriend without the
physical gratuities that came with such a title. And so our pseudo
relationship began, without us ever consciously knowing it had even
begun.

When you think about it, maybe that's how they have to start? Someone
else has to inform you that you appear to be in a relationship and
thus you have just acquired a PBF. And while you're single and having
fun what harm can it do? You always have someone to go out with, you
never need to make the 'plus-one-calls' at the eleventh hour looking
for someone to go to a mediocre party with. It's kind of like the f**k
buddy but in reverse, and the same rule applies: don't mistake it for
more than it is and it will work just fine for both of you.

Al