New life is coming

Sometimes my head goes in directions I never knew were possible…out of character, if you like. Tomorrow I will be an uncle, third time over. It never seems to lose its impact on my mind, each time I seem to appreciate more and more the little person that is joining our family. Seeing my two nephews grow up around us gives me an appreciation for just how much joy they bring to your life. And that...that there…is what always catches me off guard.

It's not that I ever change my stance on 'no children', but it warms me to the idea of having them around me. It's not something I ever thought possible, but until they are you own blood, you just can't imagine the effect they will have on you.

And so tomorrow another one of us will enter the world, to two incredibly loving parents, one of them my big brother. It seems like no time that we were riding around the back yard on our bikes or swimming in the pool. It feels like days ago that he taught me to drive. Cruising around with his friends in their hotted up cars I never even imagines being here in this position now. It really seems like just the other day that we had no responsibility, no cares, just laughs and good times.

So to the next chapter for my brother and his new family. And of course I'm along for the ride.

A long time between drinks

It's been 18 months since my last post...August 2009 was the last time I logged on here. A pretty poor effort I must say! In spite of my lack of virtual communication, there is indeed much that has happened since back then. My god is there a lot. My last post had me buying a car to carry a dog, whilst being blissfully happy in love. How things change.

But it's not my many and varied stories that made me decide it was time to return to the blog. Today I had a teary phone call from my little sister Cassie who despite every ounce of common sense that exists in her head, continues trying to get a pretty average bloke to fall in love with her. No amount of dishonest behaviour has had any effect on the regard in which she holds him, to her own detriment. Despite the obvious, she continues to expose herself to being hurt.

It was then, talking to her and reinforcing that it takes time to get over someone, that I realised just how far I had come in the last six months. Since I suddenly plunged back into the world of single gay life, I have dropped 15kg, got a new job I never thought I would get, and now consider my life to be so much better than it was in the last first half of last year.

With that overwhelming feeling of empowerment, I started to tell my little sister how good it felt. Then I remembered something my friend Carlo had said to me, "When you look at all you have achieved in the last six months, do you really think you could have done it if you were still with him? Would you have really had the confidence or the conviction to go into an interview and get that job?"

Sometimes we need to learn the lesson ourselves, and when it comes to pulling ourselves out of an emotional hole, there's only so much those who care for you can do...the hard part, and the bit that teaches you the most, has got to come from you. And with that in mind I stopped, let Cassie talk, and let her begin her journey upwards...because there's nothing more satisfying than knowing you have come out the other side and it was all your own work that got you there.

Today the world lost a good one

Some days you wonder how the world is working. How can there be good, how can there be hope, how can so much bad happen to so many people who do no harm to others. Unfortunately, today is one of those for me. 

Today I discovered in the most impersonal of fashions, that what was once a very close friend, has passed away. Not through disease, not through underhanded actions, not whilst causing any harm to anyone. Instead, in the prime of her life, she lost her life in a plane crash paying tribute to people like my grandfather – preparing to walk the Kokoda Trail. And as the realisation sets in that such a positive light in anyone’s life will no longer be, I start to reflect on the time we spent together with a new appreciation.

She was the girl I met on my first day at Uni. With the brightest smile in the room, she was always the one who was last to get the dirty joke. She started and finished everything with 100% effort and was always ready to try something new. She was the one who would never just sit and listen to us ramble on about dreams of travel, but instead put into action our ramblings, realising for a group of us a cruise around the Pacific Islands, a trip to the snow. No matter how big or small, she was always ready to take it and run with it.

She was the first one to dive down a ski run while the rest of contemplated it, regardless of having never done it before. As she disappeared into the fog we all held our breath, hoping she would be alive at the other end. 
One by one, we all followed her down…such was the impact she had.

She was the one girl I could race around the roundabouts of Brighton with a serious challenge on my hands. She was the most excited, and proud, to be getting her new car.

She is the girl you just don’t forget, unique in her enthusiasm for life, warm in her innocence and simplicity. Always eager to go beyond, always eager to please, she was destined to be a great mother some day.

I will miss her, and I know anyone who ever came in contact with her would say the same. It will forever be a regret that I wasn’t a great part of her life recently but I take comfort in knowing that she died performing a truly fitting duty as an Aussie, as an adventurer, as a person to admire. As Kel.

You will forever be miseed.

Rest in peace.

xx

Bored Relations?

Last Saturday I went with the other half to a very swish restaurant. It had been decided when we went there for our anniversary that we would return - each with a pair of friends, both of which we saw would get along very well indeed. We spent on dinner what some people earn in a month I'm sure, but after nice wine and food, along with great company, we called the night a complete success. 

After dinner we pushed on back at one of the couple's places and eventually climbed into a cab early in the morning. We had had a great a night without even the thought of a club. So it got me thinking about how my life has changed. 

I started also wondering whether people would think perhaps this had become a little tame for me. No more big benders where I spend more time with dance floor than anyone else, instead dinners at nice restaurants, excursions to wineries, weekends at the holiday house in the snow.
Contemplating not of my next car as a hot convertible, rather a 4wd to hold skis and a dog!?  

Is it true: When love strikes, so too does the boringness?

And if yes, how did I end up here, whilst being so happy about it?  

The Al Show

I sometimes feel like I am on the Truman show. So many things just seem to happen to me with such large coincidence that I don't believe they aren't orchestrated. Jobs would just come at the right time, money would come into it life...all the stuff that just doesn't seem to happen to other people.

So it seems that prior to the last twelve months or so the viewers of my very own Truman Show had got a little bored. The result was that the producers turned up the heat; love, work and family suddenly got a little bit crazy. The viewers seem to like to see me grappling with a number of things at once. Maybe they wonder when I will break?

Right now however they are cutting me some slack, with the romance shaping up to be something worth seeing! Last night came confirmation of this with a (drunk) friend telling me he thought me and the other half were meant to be together. Usually no-one pays attention to these drunken ramblings but he elaborated with such precision and passion that I couldn't help but pay attention! And so at a time when, once again on cue, I needed reminding someone was there to do it! 

Welcome to The Al Show.

The path to responsibility

It really has been way too long since I last posted, but seriously I have been so busy. I could give you all the excuses but really it's because the other half was on holiday for a month. Yes that's right, a month of annual leave.

Part of it we spent overseas, some of it he spent here while I went back to work to get a mountain of work underway - one I should get through by August! Some of our time was good, some of it was challenging but needless to say we have come out the other end...and knowing each other a whole lot more about each other; ready to start considering the next chapter of our relationship.

Part of that consideration going on in my head has been forced upon me a bit, as my apartmet is for sale and thus a chapter of my life really is about to come to a close. Most people who know me are fully aware that living where I do is
part of my personality. It has a large effect on how I live my life by virtue of where it is. I chose to live here for two reasons: it's close to my friends, and it's near the clubs I go to! The fact that everything else is so close has helped
to define how I live my life day to day and has become an integral part of why I love living here.

With all if this about to come to a close I have started reflecting on how life has been here, how much fun I have had and how much I really will miss it. The current path says I won't be back here again in this guise, but should that ever change, I know where I can return to really live and have fun. Just knowing that will probably be enough when I move.

Responsibilty here I come...but hey, it's been a damn fun path that got me there!

Al

Invasion

It's not great to come home to a note stuck to your door, as it usually means something from the body corporate telling us what we should, or more likely shouldn't, be doing.

Tonight I came home rather merry and found a note in my door. Opening it I was confronted by a complete invasion of my personal safety, with the note being from the apartment right next to me informing us that they had been broken into last night. Made worse was the news that it was from the front door...which means we were all potential targets. It's not nice to know that people were comitting this crime just metres from what I usually think of as a place of safety - my 'sanctuary' if you like.

I hope it was a one off, but something tells me once the security is breached it's a known weakness and they might be back.

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Time For A Change

After the app on my iPhone decided it wasn't working my blogging took a major hit. Here it is working again (for the time being!) and so posts are hopefully coming your way!

Today I decided it was time for a change and for the first time in nearly two years I took the tram home. How odd it was, to see different types of people, different buildings. Even the smallest of changes makes a day more interesting!

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Stupity at new levels

From the Connex website:

We wanted to explain to our customers what actually happens when the temperatures rise. In extreme heat:

the metal tracks, which can become as hot as 60°C, expand and have the potential to buckle;
sun-glare affects the ability to properly see signals and station monitors;
fires can break out beside train lines and in timber sleepers;
the air conditioning units on many of our trains are only designed to operate up to 35°C and thus have the potential to fail in extreme heat;
the power supply to trains can fluctuate leading to faulty lights and other electrical problems; and
power outages are also common due to the multiple demands on Melbourne’s power supply.


Sun glare?? WTF???? Put your visor down, or wear a pair of sunglasses!?!? If people in cars can deal with having to see a traffic light every ten metres, how the hell do train drivers get so confused by the signals??

What's more, that is all they have to watch! There's no other trains on their line they have to contend with steering around!! Connex you have done it again...now we are entrusting our lives twice a day to people who are either colour blind or so stupid they should not be let out of the house, let alone piloting overcrowded trains all day.

Either that, or you just can't think of a better excuse. Which makes me think perhaps you are as stupid as the train drivers you purport to hiring.

Al

Worlds Apart

Once a year we amble down to the park for a festival if all things gay. It's through a sense of obligation to those who had it much harder than me to live life as a gay man that I go down and walk around, avoiding the lustful eyes of men older than my father.

Despite this unwanted attention from people who could kill the ugly tree they hit it so hard, it's something else that always seems to fascinate me.

It's so funny that lesbians get lumped into the same venue once a year as gay men. The difference is like Datsun and BMW, Coon and a French Blue, cask versus Veuve (assuming there is a cask version??). And yet because we are all gay, we get lumped into the same venue! I'd love to know what the lesbians are celebrating as they roll around in the dirt, their feet the colour of the ash our fine cheeses get rolled in.

The gay men, on the other hand, are celebrating the fact that they have managed to avoid the lesbians spilling beer all over them, as the lesbians struggle about in a drunken stupor yelling obscenities at each other as a matter of course. And so we scurried back to our apartments in our European cars and were safe once more!

Lesbians seem similar to gypsies, no shame...and a foul mouth.

Al

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Another Double Standard

Talking with Deb today about potential blog subjects, I managed to remind myself of one topic that really gets to me: parents who get all the extra leave that normal people don't.

Just because you decide to pop out a baby, suddenly you get to come in late to work, work a four day week and get paid for five, or disappear at 4pm bcause kinder finished early? I don't think so...

Don't you think us people without babies would like to have Fridays off work? Or call in with a sick child and thus not come in at all?

Yet another double standard.

Al

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Music For The Soul

There are some things that never cease to amaze me: guide dogs are a good example of something I am destined to always be in complete awe of.

There are some things that not only amaze me but move me to such a degree that I momentarily embark on a private and deep self reflection. There are not many things that prompt this in me.

Without a doubt, it is music that brings me to this point more often than anything else. Whilst at my parents this evening my father was watching The West Wing, and from the other room I was drawn to the tv as a piece of music started to play. Both my mother and me headed straight to the tv silently to better hear this piece of music and stood, motionless. Moved.

As the show climaxes in a height of emotion over the President's kidnapped daughter, Sanvean by Lisa Gerrard starts to stream from the tv.

Find it and listen to it. Stand, sit...whatever you need to do. Absorb the music and experience such an amazingly powerful piece of music that truly does caress the soul.

Al

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Double Standards

I met with a colleague (and a friend) today to catch up on each other's holidays. After filling her in on the 'Days of our lives' saga that became my holiday, I got the low down from her.

Mary has been blogged about before, a vivacious young woman who realised after seven years that her and her (now) ex were not on the same page. Slowly but surely she's got back on the horse - so to speak! In fact it appears she got on a couple of horses in a short period of time over the holidays. I was ever so please, as she was clearly happy to have done so and it was great to see her becoming more comfortable with putting herself out there. It seems she Is enjoying horses more than she realised!

However a comment quickly changed the focus of the conversation. It seems Mary was being very cautious about who she told as the stigma of a woman 'going riding' more than once every ten years was not one she wished to pursue.

How odd, I thought to myself. In gay male culture, you could go out to a club and pick up, take them home and 'hop on the horse'. You could then shower and head back and do it all again. And if you were to tell your male friends, you would get a smile which would say 'Well done, I wish I had the courage to go out and do that!'

In stark contrast here we have a woman who is anything but the cheap and vulgar slang terms she would surely receive were she to tell the wrong person. The double standards have gone nowhere so far as I can tell, but i'll turn straight before I submit to those.

Good on her I say, and if she wants to enter every horse race in the country what does it really matter so long as the horses don't already have a rider??

Al

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Elusive harmony

Someone once said to me that there are three things in life that are important to everyone - love, home and work - and that of these things there will always be one that isn't performing as you would like. Ever since hearing this, I thought this was the case insofar as my life was concerned, with one coming good whilst simultaneously another started to fail.

Then, just before the end of the year, they all came good and stayed that way and I thought I really had sorted out my life so well that I had attained the unattainable. Little did I realise what was coming my way...for I had not been made aware of the fourth element in this equation: friends.

And so begins the latest disaster to mop up as the PBF and me are no longer on speaking terms. A series of events over the Christmas break whilst holidaying with my closest friends (including the PBF) have made me question when discretion should be used with your friends, and when you should just be blunt and tell them how you feel about what they are doing with their life.

As you would have read from previous posts, the PBF has an entirely unhealthy obsession with a man he simply can't have. This obsession has been going on for well over a year, with me having to hear about it every single time I see the PBF. At first it seemed comical and harmless however it's manifested into an unhealthy, sad and lonely obsession that is beginning to effect PBF in such a way that he is volatile and withdrawn.

So I wonder, do you call them early on this type of thing and be completely honest? Or do you do as I did on this occasion and make it clear that you don't think there's a chance, all the while knowing the person is not listening to what you are saying?

By taking such an approach we have had a disagreement of such magnitude that we aren't speaking and I am now faced with emailing PBF to ensure he knows where I stand. And despite only ever having the best of intentions, I have a fair idea none of it is going to register with him.

The elusive harmony in life once again slips away...I did get close this time though!

Al

Fate

So I'm going to tell you a story...I'm not quite sure what it means yet but that will become obvious soon enough I'm sure.

I have been out for the last two nights, finding it really tough to go out and see a world of sex, substances and sordid behaviour that I thought I would never have to deal with again. I really felt that I as never going to be single again, but here I am...

Anyway, tonight I felt I was making progress then I got text from my ex...."I have just met Matt and apparently you said all good things about me. I miss you xx". Instantly my heart sank and the tears formed. I became a mess. Fuelled by a lot of alcohol I was heading to a dark place.

Now regular readers will be keen to know that Matt was the man I have blogged about before. The antithesis of my ex, successful and older, he was everything I described I wanted to have to get over my ex. I met him on a recent business trip to Perth. He has been on my mind a lot lately as I really think he is someone I want to be part of my life. Little did I realize why....

So it turns out that Matt had gone out and got talking to a cute young guy who was talking about his boyfriend and how things had ended. Matt had given him his opinion of the situation, saying that he thought the reasons he had given Matt for why the relationship had ended were a load of rubbish. The young man then showed Matt a photo...Matt apparently nearly fell over when my face showed up on screen!!!

So there was my ex seeking relationship advice from a guy I had met in Perth once! I don't know what will happen, but my god the world is an odd place!!! I have always said that I felt we were just meant to be together, and this just encourages it. Maybe I'm wrong but right now it feels that way!

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Support Card

My PBF is very interested in all things spiritual, drawing much comfort from it in a time where he is clearly still coming to grips with the death of a long term relationship about a year ago.

Since my break up I have been encouraged by him to draw a card from the pack of Angel cards he has, in order to get some guidance and direction amongst a sea of confusion that is going on in my head. Four times out of six I have pulled out the card 'Support'. It encourages me to rely on friends and take in their advice and support as much as is required. It seems this card knows what I am going through. It seems it wants me to realise that friends are there in good and bad, and in the bad it should not be a time when you worry about burdening them with you problems.

Each time I pull it out I am reminded of the support I have received over the last few weeks. Not once have any of my friends or family ever even looked like they were over hearing me talk about the break up. Not once have they done anything but support me. It makes me so appreciative, so loved and most of all, it makes me realise that life does go on after all. Even readers of this blog have shown their support, for which I am eternally grateful also.

So from a very dark place I have been nursed through. I hope you all draw the support card occasionally too, because even though when in a time of despair you may not realise what has been done for you, it soon becomes clear that your friends are never far away.

Al

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Sleepness Nights And Many Tears

It's three weeks tomorrow since life as I knew it came crashing down. And while the roller coaster has been rough, nothing has played more on my mind than the fact that 'he' seems to feel the need to make himself feel better by contacting me.

Why do people feel the need to contact you after a break up? Initially I had hoped it was a signal fire...a testing of the water to see if I would respond well to a potential reconciliation. It quickly became apparent that it was far more self indulgent than this. Reconciliation was not the name of the game he was playing.

Instead it appears that it was nothing more than the ramblings of a mixed up young man, exposing heavily the lack of maturity he had thus far hidden so well. Any attempts conveyed by me to convince him to stop contacting me have so far been ignored after a few days of silence. And so I wonder, how do I get on with falling out of love with this man if he keeps re-entering my life?

More pertinently, how do I ignore the voice in my head that, filled with misguided optimism, says 'just maybe, this will be the email telling me he made a big mistake'? I am torturing myself and getting nowhere, and all the while becoming more exhausted with life.

Is this what every person who suddenly finds themselves abruptly single goes through? It seems there will be more sleepless nights filled with many tears.

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It's All About Timing

Deb made reference to the random act of kindness I experienced while she explored hers in her post a few days ago.

The value in mine was less to do with the actual act (as hers was) and more to do with the timing. Last Friday morning I got on the train looking like hell. I hadn't slept at all since the Tuesday night, and had been made single on Thursday. I was feeling very shabby on the outside; tired with very puffy red eyes from too much crying. It can't have looked good.

I got on the train and checked to see if I had any emails from supportive friends who had found out about the break up. 'His' name came straight up and immediately I felt the blood drain from every limb. I felt like I was just going to crumple into a ball on the floor of the train. I couldn't hold back the tears and the entire train was able to witness my moment of sheer desperation and loneliness.

I pulled myself together as quickly as I could and tried to think about anything but the failed romance. I got off the train at the usual stop and walked towards the exit. I was suddenly tapped on the shoulder by a man who grabbed my hand and put a piece if paper into it.

I walked off smiling realising what would be on the paper. He cheered me up for the entire five minutes I walked to the office. Upon arrival it was unravelled as people asked me about the very subject I just wanted to avoid! But it gave me hope...hope in other people and hope in meeting someone else in the future (although right now that makes me feel sick). And so when I least expected there was anything the universe could do to me that would make this feeling of anguish disappear (even just for a moment)....it delivered. It did it with a cheeky smile too, which always makes me smile even more!

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When You Can't Say Anything Nice, Blog.

It's night number four of no sleep. I am so sick of seeing the alarm clock with a '3' at the front and still not being asleep. I'm getting sovtired that the emotion does not seem to be dissipating at all. The professionals tell me that there is a number of things I will feel, in no particular order, and I might come back to some even though I thought they had been ticked off. Shock was the first, followed by anger then depression. Finally it's acceptance, which is a million miles away right now.

I am successfully chopping and changing between the first three, with the shock starting to calm a little...although I still have my moments with that one. However today I feel anger setting in at a fierce rate. I woke this morning still basically unslept and grabbed my phone to check I hadn't missed a brunch appointment designed to occupy me for the morning. A red '1' on the mail icon could only mean one thing...and of course I was right. I had responded to a message telling him I could not be his friend He had responded with an email: an outpouring of emotion designed to make himself feel better. A*sehole.

I responded swiftly befor even letting tears form, telling him that I would not be letting him do this. Once you decide you want out you no longer get to define any terms of an ongoing relationship (correct me if I am wrong). If I can't deal with it, he has to live with it and any attempts otherwise are self involved and unfair. I managed to get all of this out, noting along the way that I had given him every opportunity to not leave and to remain part if my life - no part of OUR life. Then I cried for half an hour, wishing the email exchange had been one more positive

It made me so angry and now that is all I can think of him. How dare he get annoyed at me for not being able to be his friend through this agony I am in right now. There are so many enraged thoughts I could put here right now but none of you would get to read it for the filters!!

So when you make the decision to end a relationship the least we can do is respect that the other person feels and reacts differently, and even if we don't understand that reaction we still have to allow for it. Otherwise you are just another selfish jerk.

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The End Is Near

The pain hasn't set in yet, but I know it's on the way. I'm on my own already, and I know any positive thoughts are going to dissolve pretty quickly when I hear those words. And despite all this, I sit and wait. There is nothing more I can say to fix it, no more I can do to convince him that it's not worth throwing this away. He is going to throw it away and maybe one day he will wonder why he did...maybe he wont. But I'm never going to know because very soon I'm not going to be a part of his life.

I feel a little like a deer staring at the headlights of an oncoming car. You know the end result isn't going to be good, but you can't seem to get out of the way.

Numb. No end in sight. No amount of words from friends that are going to make any difference despite their most noble of intentions. Why do we keep trying? We simply must be far stupider than we look.

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