Sleepness Nights And Many Tears

It's three weeks tomorrow since life as I knew it came crashing down. And while the roller coaster has been rough, nothing has played more on my mind than the fact that 'he' seems to feel the need to make himself feel better by contacting me.

Why do people feel the need to contact you after a break up? Initially I had hoped it was a signal fire...a testing of the water to see if I would respond well to a potential reconciliation. It quickly became apparent that it was far more self indulgent than this. Reconciliation was not the name of the game he was playing.

Instead it appears that it was nothing more than the ramblings of a mixed up young man, exposing heavily the lack of maturity he had thus far hidden so well. Any attempts conveyed by me to convince him to stop contacting me have so far been ignored after a few days of silence. And so I wonder, how do I get on with falling out of love with this man if he keeps re-entering my life?

More pertinently, how do I ignore the voice in my head that, filled with misguided optimism, says 'just maybe, this will be the email telling me he made a big mistake'? I am torturing myself and getting nowhere, and all the while becoming more exhausted with life.

Is this what every person who suddenly finds themselves abruptly single goes through? It seems there will be more sleepless nights filled with many tears.

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It's All About Timing

Deb made reference to the random act of kindness I experienced while she explored hers in her post a few days ago.

The value in mine was less to do with the actual act (as hers was) and more to do with the timing. Last Friday morning I got on the train looking like hell. I hadn't slept at all since the Tuesday night, and had been made single on Thursday. I was feeling very shabby on the outside; tired with very puffy red eyes from too much crying. It can't have looked good.

I got on the train and checked to see if I had any emails from supportive friends who had found out about the break up. 'His' name came straight up and immediately I felt the blood drain from every limb. I felt like I was just going to crumple into a ball on the floor of the train. I couldn't hold back the tears and the entire train was able to witness my moment of sheer desperation and loneliness.

I pulled myself together as quickly as I could and tried to think about anything but the failed romance. I got off the train at the usual stop and walked towards the exit. I was suddenly tapped on the shoulder by a man who grabbed my hand and put a piece if paper into it.

I walked off smiling realising what would be on the paper. He cheered me up for the entire five minutes I walked to the office. Upon arrival it was unravelled as people asked me about the very subject I just wanted to avoid! But it gave me hope...hope in other people and hope in meeting someone else in the future (although right now that makes me feel sick). And so when I least expected there was anything the universe could do to me that would make this feeling of anguish disappear (even just for a moment)....it delivered. It did it with a cheeky smile too, which always makes me smile even more!

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When You Can't Say Anything Nice, Blog.

It's night number four of no sleep. I am so sick of seeing the alarm clock with a '3' at the front and still not being asleep. I'm getting sovtired that the emotion does not seem to be dissipating at all. The professionals tell me that there is a number of things I will feel, in no particular order, and I might come back to some even though I thought they had been ticked off. Shock was the first, followed by anger then depression. Finally it's acceptance, which is a million miles away right now.

I am successfully chopping and changing between the first three, with the shock starting to calm a little...although I still have my moments with that one. However today I feel anger setting in at a fierce rate. I woke this morning still basically unslept and grabbed my phone to check I hadn't missed a brunch appointment designed to occupy me for the morning. A red '1' on the mail icon could only mean one thing...and of course I was right. I had responded to a message telling him I could not be his friend He had responded with an email: an outpouring of emotion designed to make himself feel better. A*sehole.

I responded swiftly befor even letting tears form, telling him that I would not be letting him do this. Once you decide you want out you no longer get to define any terms of an ongoing relationship (correct me if I am wrong). If I can't deal with it, he has to live with it and any attempts otherwise are self involved and unfair. I managed to get all of this out, noting along the way that I had given him every opportunity to not leave and to remain part if my life - no part of OUR life. Then I cried for half an hour, wishing the email exchange had been one more positive

It made me so angry and now that is all I can think of him. How dare he get annoyed at me for not being able to be his friend through this agony I am in right now. There are so many enraged thoughts I could put here right now but none of you would get to read it for the filters!!

So when you make the decision to end a relationship the least we can do is respect that the other person feels and reacts differently, and even if we don't understand that reaction we still have to allow for it. Otherwise you are just another selfish jerk.

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The End Is Near

The pain hasn't set in yet, but I know it's on the way. I'm on my own already, and I know any positive thoughts are going to dissolve pretty quickly when I hear those words. And despite all this, I sit and wait. There is nothing more I can say to fix it, no more I can do to convince him that it's not worth throwing this away. He is going to throw it away and maybe one day he will wonder why he did...maybe he wont. But I'm never going to know because very soon I'm not going to be a part of his life.

I feel a little like a deer staring at the headlights of an oncoming car. You know the end result isn't going to be good, but you can't seem to get out of the way.

Numb. No end in sight. No amount of words from friends that are going to make any difference despite their most noble of intentions. Why do we keep trying? We simply must be far stupider than we look.

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Victim Of Circumstance

Life leads you in funny directions. Sometimes where you hoped to go, sometimes not. I think without a doubt the more unexpected paths become the more rewarding ones...being out of your comfort zone and all that jazz.

Some people discover that they flourish in this situation, and some don't. I think for the most part, I fall into the former category. I take things as they come and try to remain calm and focussed in the things at hand. Right now however my other half has found himself to be a fish out of water and in a word, drowning. Work takes him away far more than his previous jobs and life for him is no longer what he once knew. None if this would matter too much to most people but when you factor into this a new romance it's a lot for anyone to cope with.

The strain on our relationship has become so heavy that he is questioning how long he can maintain both his job and the relationship. And as I agreed, we both know which would be on the chopping block.

And so despite a romance that is treasured by both of us, we appear to be in a situation neither of us know how to fix. The relationship has become a victim if circumstance and I wonder what there is to combat that? Neither of us know how to fix it, but neither wants to leave.

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Networking Purpose

Deb and I made our way off to work drinks this evening, both happy in the knowledge that the other would be there and that a good time was guaranteed. We sat in a corner looking at the view out the window from scarily high above the other buildings and it suddenly became apparent to both of us that we really weren't socialising with anyone else at all. In fact, we really didn't have much interest in doing so.

A conversation ensued and it became apparent that Deb's understanding of the aforementioned monthly drinks was vastly different to mine. As a marketer I looked at the room and saw many potential networking opportunities. The only problem on this occasion was that I already knew almost everyone on the room.

However Deb saw nothing like this. I will leave it for her to confirm her opinion of the gathering's purpose but I'm assuming she felt it was more a chance to drink and chat to your closer colleagues.

So whilst it had been enlightening for her and a reminder that I really shouldn't be sitting in a corner, neither of us thought about moving for one moment. Then something happened and we were on our feet...our champagne ran out! So off we went to the bar.

It does beg the the question though: Are work drinks a time to relax or are you still on the clock? And if you're still on the clock, how do you leave to return your personal life (of which you have just given precious time) without being frowned upon by your superior?

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Reflections in the waters of Hawaii

It's funny how things turn out in life. Have you ever taken a moment,
paused to reflect on where you are or what you are doing, and more
interestingly, how you never imagined you would be in that moment?

It happened to me recently, whilst on holiday. Nearing a state of
relaxation akin to unconsciousness, I contemplated my current
situation. On a beach in Hawaii, missing my boy, I wondered how I had
got there. And whilst I know not everything is always planned I think
most people know the types of places they want to visit or activities
they want to do. And so I was able to appreciate a whole lot more the
fact that I wasn't doing something I had waited forever to do. Instead
I had proceeded to do something somewhat out of the plans i haf for
myself and that in itself was rewarding!

Al

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